Akatsuki Tales of Doom: Doomed to Insanity
by Tara Terra
Summary: What happens in the daily lives of the Akatsuki? A ton of randomness and things that may disturb. Warning: Do not read in class, it may be hard not to laugh.
1. Chapter 1: The Curse of Barney

**Time for a new story! It seems like I write new stories every other day, I should probably finish some of my other ones instead of writing a new one, but after babysitting my baby cousin I couldn't resist writing this, despite how random it is and how it disturbs me. Well this story is a collection of events that happen to the Akatsuki, sort of like Hidan's Dairy of Doom (Please read it), Dear Foolish Little Book, and Itachi's Jobs of Doom, except it isn't in a diary format. I hope you enjoy this.**

* * *

**Chapter One: The Curse of Barney**

It all started when Deidara had found a stuffed purple dinosaur on the floor. Deidara had of course picked it up, but as soon as he touched it, his eyes began to unfocus and he suddenly blurted out,

"I love you! You love me! We're a great big family! With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you! Won't you say you love me too!"

Sasori, who had been standing next to him, stared at the blond with a facial expression that said, "What the hell?"

Deidara then immediately turned around and said,

"Sasori-no-danna! We should go on a quest to bring love and happiness to everyone!"

Sasori's eyes bulged before turning abruptly and activating the girly scream button on his chest. Hearing the girly scream, the rest of the Akatsuki came to the lobby.

"What is going on, Sasori?" asked the 6 bodies that made up Leader-sama.

Sasori pointed to Deidara, who was loudly proclaiming that the purple stuffed dinosaur was "the savior of the world" and that it would "bring love and happiness to the world" and also that it was "the greatest god, Barney".

"No fucking way!" yelled Hidan before he lept to cut Deidara in half with his scythe. "Jashin-sama is the greatest god you-"

Deidara flung Barney at Hidan, yelling, "Go, almighty Barney! SHow this heathen the meaning of love!"

Hidan abruptly stopped when Barney hit his head.

"Oh almighty Barney, I beg forgiveness for following that worm Jashin for so long!" Hidan cried as he fell to his knees.

"I love you! You love me! We're a great big family! With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you! Won't you say you love me too!" Hidan and Deidara sang together. The rest of the Akatsuki stood stock still for a second before fleeing. However, Tobi stood there and cheerfully joined in.

* * *

2 weeks later, the main body of Pein stepped out to see a horrendous sight.

Kakuzu was stiching a giant purple dinosaur together out of cloth that Deidara had bought. Sasori was dying the cloth, and Deidara was making a huge clay crown. Hidan was looking for shiny things to place onto the crown, and the five other bodies of Pein were happily singing the "I love you" song while Konan created little origami sculpters to make the dinosaur pretty. Zetsu was happily picking flowers. Only Itachi seemed sane. Itachi had his Sharingan activated and was actively trying to escape Kisame's chakra empowered grasp.

Pein quickly used a Shinrai Tensei to blow Kisame away.

"I thank you, Leader-sama," Itachi said as he dusted himself off.

"Itachi."

"Yes, Leader-sama?"

"Can you somehow redirect this...thing?" asked Pein, gesturing to the followers.

Itachi paused. "I can remove it from them, but the virus has to go somewhere."

Pein shrugged. "I don't care! Just send it somewhere other than here!"

"Very well, Leader-sama..."

* * *

Exactly one hour later, Itachi had redirected the Barney virus to that foolish little village hidden in sand. The Akatsuki were now sitting around, wondering what the heck was going on.

Sasori sat there, hurriedly building another puppet to destroy what remained of the Barney dinosaur. Kakuzu had recoiled in horror at what his threads had done, and Deidara had immediately detonated his giant crown, declaring it "unfit for art, uhn." Hidan was begging forgiveness of Jashin, while Kisame sought comfort in Itachi. Of course, Itachi refused to even come within five feet of Kisame, so Kisame sought comfort with Samehada. Zetsu was apologizing to the flowers he had pulled of their stems. The 5 bodies of Pein were standing there ashamedly while the main body glared at them with the full force of the Rinnegan. Konan had gone of to Nagato to make sure he did not Barneyify himself.

Tobi was still the same.

* * *

Somewhere in Suna, Temari and Kankurou watched in horror as Gaara danced around, singing the Barney song. It was as if the love tatoo on Gaara's forehead was somehow influencing him.

"Don't worry Gaara! I'll save you!" yelled Kankurou as he charged forward to dispell whatever genjutsu Gaara was in. Instead, he stopped and began singing around with Gaara.

Temari could only dodge their hugs and run towards Konoha while Gaara and Kankurou ran after her, asking her to join them in the quest for love and happiness.

* * *

At Konoha, the Rookie Nine and Team Guy were taking a walk until Tlanded use into the village.

"Run!" she yelled. "Run! Barney has struck!"

"Barney?" Naruto caught sight of Gaara. "Hey, Gaara!" he called, running towards him.

"No!" yelled Temari. SHe executed a Kawamiri, switching herself with Naruto and sacrificing herself. The Konoha nin could only stand in horror as a grin spread across Temari's face and she lept at the closest Leaf shinobi...

...Who happened to be Shikamaru.

The lazy ninja's eyes widened in shock as Temari lept at him, squishing him in a big hug. Immediately, Shikamaru was taken over by the Barney curse.

Eventually, the entire group was infected with the Barney curse. Chouji because of Shikamaru, and Ino because of Chouji. Lee was immediately infected by Kankurou and infected Sai, Sakura, Naruto, and Tenten. Gaara infected Kiba and Hinata, and soon only Neji and Shino were left standing.

A Hyuuga was taught to never back down and to keep their Kekkei Genkai safe. Neji didn't care anymore. He ran straight to the Hyuuga compound, calling out that the Barney infection had arrived.

At first no one believed him and they all laughed, but Hinata came into view. A Branch House member went to retrieve her, but when he touched her shoulder, he slowly turned and a great big smile lept across a Hyuuga's face for the first time in nearly 500 years.

Apparently the Hyuuga clan now believed Neji, and one even praised him for "warning us of this terrible plight" while they were fleeing. Hiashi even canceled all the Branch Member curse seals so maximum effort could be given in fleeing.

* * *

By midday, most of the people of Konoha were infected. The shinobi, because Sakura had unwittingly infected all the medic nins, who in turn infected any patients, who in turn infected their friends and family. Only Kakashi was half spared because of his Sharingan.

Even Sasuke got it.

Sasuke had come to Konoha in search of Itachi's weakness, and had been infected 54 times in 10 seconds. As a result, he was even worse than Tobi when Tobi ate 5 pounds of sugar, 345 lollipops, and 62 ice creams in one minute.

And this made Itachi annoyed, because even though super-dee-duper hyper Sasuke was fun to watch, it was getting harder and harder to control the virus. So, using his Sharingan, Itachi took the Barney virus and sent it to the moon, where the Ten Tails' body was supposedly sealed.

The next day, Sasuke was still hyper because of the 50 pounds of sugar, 3450 lollipops, and 620 ice creams he had consumed in 10 minutes. Itachi face palmed and wondered why Sasuke kept dishonoring their clan with his antics.

* * *

**That was the first chapter! I hope you still have some sanity. Please review and thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2: How Tobi Joined The Akatsuki

Time to learn how Tobi ended up the the Akatsuki. I hope you like the chapter. Please review after reading.

* * *

Pein sighed as he walked through the halls of the Akatsuki lair. 'Yet another day of those idiots making me crazy. Jeez.' he thought.

Suddenly he heard and explosion. ''THAT WAS ART UN!''Pein heard Deidara scream.

"ART IS SOMETHING THAT EXISTS FOR A LONG TIME! NOT SOMETHING WHICH EXPLODES THE MINUTE YOU MAKE IT!" Sasori's scream followed.

Ignoring it, he walked on. It wasn't long before he heard a shattering sound of lass from the kitchen.

"DAMMIT HIDAN! YOU BROKE ANOTHER DRINKING GLASS!" Pein heard Kakuzu yell and felt a twitch come on to his eye.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ACT LIKE A MOTHER TO BE WORRIED ABOUT FUCKING EXPENSES!"

"I CAN'T ALWAYS SPEND MY MONEY YOU KNOW! LAST WEEK YOU CUT UP THE SOFA! AND YESTERDAY DEIDARA BLEW UP THE LIVING ROOM COUCH. AND A FEW DAYS AGO KISAME PULLED OUT THE TOILET SEAT OFF BECAUSE HIS PET BABY SHARK GOT FLUSHED! GOD KNOWS HOW HIS SHARK GOT INTO THE TOILET! DAMMIT I ALWAYS HAVE TO PAY FOR THE EXPENSES!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH!"

Leaving their loud conversation he walked on. Everyday was kind of the same. He wished something exciting could happen. 'DAMMIT WHAT AM I THINKING? This is AKATSUKI. A criminal organization. Not a fun house. But somehow, everyone is like kids. Jeez. Am I the only one who has common sense?' He thought.

Somehow...he had a feeling that something was gonna happen today...

"Or maybe I am reading too much fanfiction again." He muttered.

Away on top of a hill, a masked boy stood while facing against the wind. He raised his arms up to the sky and took a deep breath before letting out an ear shattering yell.

"TOBI SO LONELY! TOBI WANNA FRIEND! TOBI WANT LOTS OF FRIENDS! LOTS AND LOTS!"

No response came, save for his echo. But the boy was happy nonetheless, he heard some response. But sine this continued everyday, the kid was beginning to tire of the routine.

This had been going on for god knew how long anyway. But as he was about to turn away, piece of paper that had been traveling with the fast wind, slapped onto his face. He took it off his face and looked at it. It was a poster to find more Akatsuki Members. Going as follows:

Akatsuki member needed.

Absolutely needed qualities: A criminals mind, must be a ninja, must have had a bad experience, reasons why to join Akatsuki and COMMON SENSE.

Those interested, go to the Akatsuki hideout in 64 dark alley in Iwagake.

That is all.

One more thing, buy an Akatsuki uniform before interview.

Tobi grinned. "YAY! TOBI FIND LOTSA FRIENDS IN ATASUKI!" He yelled. Never mind the fact that he couldn't spell the word correctly, he was more happy than ever.

Pein sat at his computer, browsing the internet. "Hmm. Let's see now. What's this?" He said clicking a naruto fanfiction. Concentrating, he read it...not realizing it was a yaoi fanfiction...

Bye the time he read the half of it, his eyes were wide and had a bit of nosebleed. Also his mind turned a tad perverted.

"Leader?" Deidara's voice came.

"AHHH!" Pein screamed pushing the computer away. "Are you spying? You can't prove anything! The evidence is destroyed!"

Deidara looked exasperated. "What...evidence for...what un?" he asked.

Pein stood there, fixed in his stance. "Uh...nothing! What do you want?" He asked going back to his composure.

"There is some weirdo wearing a mask the shape of a lollypop saying he wants to join Akatsuki un." Deidara said.

Pein thought about it. "Why...another member sounds good. But why did he just show up all of a sudden?" He asked.

Deidara handed him a flyer. Pein took a glance at it. "Shoot, must have been one of those missing posters."

"So should I blow him up un?" Deidara asked, happiness almost radiating from him.

Pein sighed. "No. I'll see if he's qualified. Maybe we DO need a new member." He said going off to meet Tobi.

"So. What is your name?" Pein asked.

"TOBI!" Tobi replied happily. Maybe TOO happily. It made the leader uncomfortable.

Pein saw a small piece of paper stuck to his uniform and sweat dropped. "You DO know the price tag is still attached to that cloak right?" He asked.

Tobi looked back. "OH NO! TOBI WILL TAKE IT OFF!" He yelled taking it off at once.

"Okay..." Pein said. "Did you do any bad things yet?"

Tobi grinned. "NOPE! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" He yelled.

Pein sighed. "Sorry Tobi but Akatsuki is a BAD organisation so you have to be a BAD boy to join." He said.

"But Tobi wants to join Atasuki!" Tobi whined.

"It's AKATSUKI. And no. You can't join till you do something bad. Bye-Bye." Pein said walking away.

"BUT TOBI WANNA FRIEND!" Tobi yelled. "TOBI...WANTS...NOT TO BE ALONEEEEEE!"

Deidara saw Pein return from his 'meeting'. "How'd it go un?" He asked.

"He's not joining. Too...childish." Pein muttered.

"But I thought you wanted Akatsuki to be a bit more lively un?" Deidara asked.

Pein rubbed his chin as though as he had an invisible beard. "Hm...I DID say he could join IF he did something bad." He said thoughtfully.

"Bad un?" Deidara asked. "I think he is trying his best."

Pein looked at him. "Why'd you say that?" He asked.

Deidara pointed behind him and Pein turned to see Tobi with...a chainsaw.

"TOBI DO BAD! TOBI JOIN ATASUKI!" Tobi yelled.

"IT'S AKATSUKI!" Pein and Deidara yelled.

"GHAAAA!" Tobi yelled taking the chainsaw and running towards Deidara.

"GET AWAY FROM ME UN!" deidara yelled running away.

Pein watched as Tobi ran after Deidara all around the place. "Idiots." He muttered.

Suddenly, the chainsaw ran out of gas.

"HAHA! TAKE THAT UN!" Deidara yelled laughing.

"TOBI GOT A BETTER IDEA!" Tobi yelled and took out a...lawn mower from nowhere.

"DEAR GOD!" Deidara screamed running once again. Tobi ran after him. Deidara then ran past Pein and Tobi went straight at Pein.

"YIPES!" Pein yelled jumping to the ceiling and holding on it like a cat.

At that moment, Kisame entered.

"YAA!" He screamed as Tobi ran towards him with the lawn mower but it was too late. Tobi ran the lawn mower over him which resulted the hair in the middle of his head to be completely shaven off.

"YAAY! TOBI DO SOMETHING BAD! TOBI CHOP OF MR. DOLPHINS HAIR!" Tobi yelled gleefully, jumping up and down.

"I'M A SHARK NOT A DOLPHIN! AND wait...what? Chop? Hair?" Kisame asked and rushed to the bathroom.

Pretty soon, they heard a girlish scream and a thud.

"Is Tobi in Atasuki now leader? Leader?" Tobi asked looking around. AT that moment, Pein fell down flat on his face.

"OH GOODIE! IS TOBI IN ATASUKI NOW? IS TOBI? HUH? HUH?" Tobi asked.

"It's AKATSUKI. And if you stop bugging me, yes, you can join." Pein muttered.

"YAAAY!" Tobi yelled. "TOBI IS IN ATASUKI!"

"IT'S AKATSUKI!"

"Sorry."

* * *

And THAT is the story of how Tobi joined the Akatsuki. Please review


End file.
